Tainted Lettuce Blamed For Bill Shorten’s Plummeting Popularity


Tainted pre-packaged lettuce sold at Woolworths and Coles supermarkets has led to an outbreak of deadly salmonella poisoning amongst consumers. It is also being blamed for the potentially low polling figures of Opposition leader Bill Shorten.

A spokesperson for Mr Shorten spoke of the link between bad lettuce and bad polls, saying, “At this stage we can’t rule out the lettuce being the cause of people not liking Bill. I mean he appears in a supermarket and talks lettuce, next day the polls are at Gillard like lows, coincidence?”

“I mean what else can it be, we just had a year of ideas.”

When contacted for comment a spokesperson from big lettuce refuted the Shorten camps claim, saying, “Bill was unpopular before he talked lettuce, I mean the guy knifed two sitting Prime ministers. He can talk about lettuce all day and no one would hold it against him, kale on the other hand, well.”

As a precaution against suffering further effects from tainted lettuce, Mr Shorten will be avoiding farms, supermarkets and cafes. He will also be on a strict only talk about raising the GST diet until election day.

Mark Williamson

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Categories: Politics

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