LNP MPs were today treated to a magical dose of Christmas nostalgia by Treasurer Scott ‘Santa’ Morrison. As Morrison passed a lump of coal around the government benches, MPs rejoiced as they relived many a Christmas morning staring wide-eyed at a bright shiny lump of coal, the much welcome reward for a year of oppressing and intimidating vulnerable kids in their schools and neighbourhoods.
Immigration and Border Protection Minister, Peter Dutton, said: “A lot of people don’t realise that what we do is truly a calling. Many believe we come to this job to take advantage of the multitude of generous slush funds at our disposal, but the truth is that most of us have been oppressing people as a passionate hobby since childhood.
“If I saw any kid at school or in my neighbourhood who looked like they needed help, I’d try to hurt him or take something away from him as quickly as I could. Seeing that lump of coal at the bottom of my stocking was my way of knowing Santa appreciated what I was doing.”
Morrison told reporters he didn’t see many smiles coming from the Opposition or cross benches. “Those do-gooders and social justice warriors have been foolishly trying to help people for so long they’ve never known the simple pleasure of that little black gem nestled at the bottom of the stocking on a warm Christmas morn.”
Opposition leader, Bill Shorten, declined to comment as he was off to his office to grab a Tonka Truck to pass around when it was his turn for show and tell