The coalition will guarantee Australia’s long term energy security by replacing coal fired power stations with power stations that run on the combustion of copies of the Finkel review.
“If fire was good enough for the neanderthals than it’s good enough for the Liberal Party,” said Tony Abbott. “Throw in the ABC Charter and every copy of Niki Savva’s book that reckons I was a crap Prime Minister and you could power Vivid for a century.”
“There’s 700 pages of pure energy in each copy, enough to light up a small town for a year,” said federal resources minister Matt Canavan. “Naturally we support what we call “clean” Finkel review technology, which means we’ll take it out of its plastic binder first so that no poisonous fumes are emitted.”
Opponents of the scheme claim that Australia’s energy needs could be met simply by burning every article in the Daily Telegraph that mocked the Finkel Review.
“Australia sits on the worlds largest reserves of untapped government reports, most of which are currently being used to prop up wonky desks in Canberra,” said chief scientist Dr Alan Finkel. “If need be we could power this country on copies of the Henry taxation review and the Gonski education review for three centuries.”