“Campaigning? Mate, this is just who I am,” says Prime Minister Scott Morrison, confirming that he actually always has a bus with a giant pic of his mug and campaign slogans drive around the state of Queensland while he flies about in a tax-payer-funded jet.
Answering a question from The (un)Australian about whether he has actually started the run-in to the next federal election a little early, the slightly aggro PM sculls another XXXX Gold tinnie and spits: “Cobber, you mob in the Canberra bubble may not have noticed, but I’m just a fair dinkum Aussie bloke, righto?”
Ripping open another can while re-adjusting his latest Australian company-branded cap, the PM, looking disturbingly like he might actually nut our journalist, goes on: “Crikey, if a bloke can’t jump on a private jet to go have natter with a bunch of other true-blue hard-working Aussie blokes who just wanna have a go without being accused of cynically putting on an act in a desperate bid to limit a likely electoral wipe-out, then what country are we fair dinkum in?”
“Like any other ridgy didge, dinki-di Aussie, I love a beer, a pie and a repulsively sleazy joke about a former TV sex symbol trying to raise a serious issue of global importance,” said the man whose only previously known hobbies were singalongs at his Evangelical Christian Church and getting trophies made to celebrate his policy of torturing innocent people in offshore prison camps.
“Now I gotta talk to some more battlers,” he says, stomping off towards his VIP jet, waiting till he mistakenly feels out-of-sight to toss his half-drunk can away with a look of disgust.