South Australians are rejoicing at this week’s announcement that the new Australian Space Agency will be based there, providing much-needed hope of a faster way to escape Adelaide.
During the announcement Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he thought South Australians were already well prepared for long trips into space. “Because of their lack of faith in coal they have already adapted to long periods of complete darkness”, he said.
Adelaide residents interviewed by the (un)Australian denied wanting to abandon their city. Modbury resident Lyn Crochet said, “Most of us only want to be out of town between the chequered flag of the Adelaide 500 Supercars in March and the opening night of the Adelaide Fringe Festival the following February”. An absence of just 11 months per year.
Not everyone is happy the new space agency will be based in Adelaide. While South Australia is already home to innovative satellite start-ups that are helping farmers and oceanographers world-wide, other states have complained that their own world-changing applications of space technology were overlooked by the selection panel.
* Victoria proposed a series of satellites over the Yarra to locate remaining oBikes.
* The Northern Territory was knocked back on a proposal to use satellites to detect crocodiles in the main street of Darwin.
* Queensland was unsuccessful in its bid to distribute the quotes of Bob Katter in all eight dimensions of the universe.
* The ACT was judged every bit as boring as Adelaide, but lost points because most Canberrans are already space-cadets.
* NSW declined to bid, fearing that eventual colonisation of the moon will cause Sydney house prices to fall even further.
* The Tasmanian delegation suggested that, one day, a man might walk on the moon.
* The organisers forgot to tell WA about the competition.
When asked if the high cost of South Australia’s bid will really bring benefits to South Australian residents in future years, a spokesman said, “Yes it’s a no brainer. You see, in space, no-one can hear Christopher Pyne or the person he’s talking to scream.”