News Corp editors have sent out an order to their columnists to sharpen their crayons and bring down Opposition leader Bill Shorten before Saturday’s election.
“I don’t care what they write, I just want as many anti-Bill Shorten articles that I can attach a dodgy photo shopped image to in the papers this week,” said News Corp Editor Ian Dirtsheet. “Maybe I can send one of my photographers to Engadine McDonalds and hope Bill makes a pit stop there.”
“Or failing that I’ll see how much cash we have in the budget and chance it with something defamatory.”
When asked why News Corp was so against Bill Shorten and the Labor party the Editor replied: “I don’t know, gotta be against something. I mean we’re here to sell newspapers and cause outrage and you know detailed analysis and unbiased opinion don’t sell papers.”
“But having a crack at a blokes dead Mum does sell papers and keeps our big boss happy. So that works for us.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to a high level meeting with Andrew Bolt, Miranda Devine, Tim Blair and Rita Panahi. A true meeting of the minds*”
*Note: No actual minds will be present at this meeting.