The government is to introduce mandatory Bushells Tea testing for old age pensioners in an attempt to reduce wear and tear on the public toilet system and to encourage them to spend less time showing off photographs of their grandchildren.
“Tea goes straight through you and if there’s one thing old codgers don’t need it’s another excuse to go to the lavvie,” said Scott Morrison talking about the move that is expected to save 2 billion gigalitres of water over the next five years. ”Plus everyone knows that tea has more caffeine than coffee, I read that somewhere, and the public will feel much safer going out knowing there will be less hyped up wrinklies stoned to the eyeballs on three cuppas lurking menacingly around the comfy padded seating in Westfields.”
Under the plan old puffers will be issued with cashless pensioner cards that will restrict their ability to waste money on little statues of meerkats and bags of Werthers Originals.
“This is just a cynical move by the government to play on the publics dislike of old fogeys for taking up all the good seats on the bus and copiously letting off in the queue at the post office,” said social worker Madge Cardigan. “Your typical lazy Current Affairs viewer has bought into the old story that drinking Bushells tea is a gateway drug to getting addicted to Kingston biscuits and lamingtons.”