Regional Australia Braces For Invasion Of Hideous Oiks Who Usually Holiday Overseas

Residents of small resort towns all over Australia are making disaster plans to deal with the influx of posh wankers who normally choof off overseas for a holiday at this time of year.

“We’ve survived drought, bushfires, floods and coronavirus but I have no idea how we are going to deal with pushy Bondi Junction mums demanding gluten free breakfasts for Chloe, Sophie and Noah,” said exasperated Tuross Heads caravan park owner Barry Millard. “We are definitely not going to provide disposable booties to wear in the showers. If they don’t want to get tinea they can wear thongs like everyone else and slather their feet in Lamisil.”

“I tried to book my regular camping spot in Tea Gardens this summer and was told that it’d been booked out six weeks ago to some mullet who usually flies out to Whistler or the Maldives for Christmas,” sighed Merrylands dad Jason Chippy. “Guess we’ll have to set up the tent in the backyard and buy some yabbies from the local fisho so we can pretend we’ve been out on the bay. At least we won’t have to get Trev from next door to feed the dog.”

Makers of novelty number plates for pushbikes have reported a downturn in demand from coastal gift shops for Mitchells, Jais and Tanitas, and a huge rise in demand for Oscars, Hamishes and Charlottes.

“We’re expecting a massive demand for Paddlepops, Chiko rolls and all this other crap food that posh people imagined everyone ate around here about thirty years ago,” said Bendalong café owner Bev Sunburn. “There’s going to be a lot of disappointed Tesla drivers when they find out that we serve the same caramelised vegan banana pancakes and acai bowls they get at their local café in Waverley.”

Peter Green

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