Australia’s future energy needs are to be met by investing billions in “shampooed and conditioned” coal, a new technology developed in a joint venture between BHP Billiton and Decore.
“Shampooed and conditioned coal will produce much more silky and lustrous carbon emissions,” said geological hairdresser Dr Francine Lignite. “Our studies show shampooed and conditioned coal power stations are 70% more bouncier and full of life than the most efficient clean coal power stations.”
“Shampooed and conditioned coal will be the most important part of Australia’s energy security as well as giving our power stations extra confidence and glow,” said energy minister Josh Frydenberg. “Admittedly ‘energy security’ is a phrase one of our PR people pulled out of their arse to scare the public into thinking that one day the whole country will get blacked out and we’ll be invaded by the New Zealand army carrying flashlights.”
Shampooed and conditioned coal will require just three consecutive one minute long rinses to prepare the coal for power generation, as opposed to the ten minutes of hard scrubbing with a loofah that clean coal requires.
“Hopefully shampooed and conditioned coal can be sold more successfully to the voters than clean coal, which fooled no-one,” said spin doctor Travis Ponytail. “It’s a lot catchier sounding than some other failed energy technologies such as “cuddly nuclear” and “top bloke natural gas” which never really caught on.”