Rugby league’s concussion epidemic is at crisis point with many former players confessing they have no memories of any of the major off field scandals they were involved during their playing days.
“People tell me that I once bit a policeman, urinated against the Popemobile and pretended to dry hump a pet rabbit but I can’t remember any of it,” said retired rugby league legend Darryl Biffo. “I can’t remember any of the three grand finals I won either but at least I can watch the video. All I have of my scandals is a few shaky seconds of mobile phone footage of the Pope looking aghast as I button up my strides.”
“Back in the old days the coach would send players straight back into the middle of an off field scandal no matter how groggy they looked,” said footy commentator Frank Highenough. “They’d get them to try and piss into their own mouth and if they hit the target at once out of three goes they’d be free to keep on partying.”
The NRL is considering the introduction of a doctor to accompany league players on a night out to ensure that concussed players don’t get involved in sorting out some nuffy punter who was being a bit lippy or who couldn’t take a joke.
“You’ve got to think of the brain as a blob of jelly encased in a bowl of bone,” said league immortal Tommy Eyegouge. “And in the case of your average leaguey the jelly didn’t set all that well in the first place and is still a bit runny. Luckily my mum kept a scrapbook of all the clippings from when I got caught drink driving a Qantas jumbo and ran naked through the orphanage during Mad Monday, so I have something to show the grandkids from my career.”