The makers of Smiths Chips have gone into hiding following the appointment of Peter Dutton as the head of Australia’s new super Home Affairs security ministry.
“ISIS, the mafia and Russian spies will no longer be Australia’s main security concern,” announced Peter Dutton. “However, if you are a member of the fungal species Phytophthora that causes potato blight then expect to feel the full force of the law.”
Passengers will be banned from taking potato peelers on domestic and international flights in one of a several new measures introduced by the department, along with a move to put every purchaser of a deep fryer on a special watch and observe list.
“We’ve been informed that our cookbook is now a banned publication unless we remove our recipe for shepherd’s pie,” said Alicia Crockpot, editor of the Womens Weekly Cookbook. “A group of masked commandos raided our kitchen yesterday and took away all our packets of gnocchi.”
Compilers of the Plain English Dictionary heaved a sigh of relief upon hearing the news that George Brandis would be given less powers in the security overhaul.