Malcolm Turnbull has been spotted staggering away from a Queanbeyan abattoir with a dripping sack of offal over his shoulder during his weekly visit to gather food for the Far Right that lives in his basement.
“He’s obviously terrified of what would happen if he doesn’t keep it well fed,” said abattoir employee Fred Pigsguts. “I guess he initially thought he could keep it satisfied by tossing it a few scraps from the dinner table every now and then, but that just made it hungrier and more restless.”
“I told Malcolm just to hit it with a shovel when we first moved in but he insisted on keeping it as a pet,” said Lucy Turnbull. “We had no idea how big it would grow. Now it’s way too late to get it neutered.”
Neighbours report hearing strange howling noises on nights of the full moon, when an escaped feral Far Right known only as Cory prowls close by to the Turnbull residence.
“When Cory is on heat the captured Far Right becomes agitated and tries hard to scratch its way out of confinement,” said Bill Shorten, who was visiting the abattoir to have his Albo skinning knife sharpened. “I’m guessing the smell of those masked soldiers from Malcolm’s photo shoot today may have calmed it down a little.”