Executives from the bottled water companies Perrier and Evian have bowed down to former Minister for Agriculture and Water Resources Barnaby Joyce for finding an even better way to make money out of water than themselves.
“Oh Barnaby Oh Great One, please teach us the dark arts of making 80 million quid out of selling water that can’t be used,” said prostrate directors of the French water companies as they grovelled on the ground outside Joyce’s Armidale electoral office. “We thought we were onto a good thing when we managed to convinced the public to fork over their hard earned cash for something that came free out of the tap but Barnaby makes us look like rank amateurs in comparison.”
“I’m not the Messiah, I’m just a Tamworth boy,” said an exasperated Mr Joyce as he tried to evade the hordes of Gallic disciples. “It’s all Labor’s fault anyway. If they were any good at campaigning they’d have removed me from office years ago and none of this would have happened.”
Claims that Joyce wouldn’t recognise Energy Minister Angus Taylor if he found him standing in his cornflakes have been verified by Kelloggs, who admit that the plastic figurine of Taylor they gave away in their “Limited Edition Dodgy Water Company Executive Collectables Set” wasn’t a very good likeness.