Column: Scotty From Marketing’s Guide To Cooking A Curry

ScoMo Curry

G’day Australia! It’s your old mate ScoMo here, and what a privilege it is for me to be able to share with you my recipe for how to cook a curry.

I find that in times of trouble or discontent cooking a curry (or at least telling the world that you are about to cook a curry) is a great way to put things into perspective (or at least make it look like you have things in order).

Now, step one to cooking a curry is to make sure you look the part. Your choice of apron is important. In the old days you could get away with an apron with a bikini girl on it or a risque slogan, but not anymore.**

I find that a plain blue apron with white stripes is a good look. Or if you are cooking up a storm during the footy season why not go with an apron with your favourite team’s colours on it.

We all know good old ScoMo loves his Cronulla Sharks so no need to guess what’s on my other apron!

Once you’re dressed up, the next thing to do is to arrange for a photograph of you in your apron in a kitchen* or by the BBQ. Some people like a selfie but personally I prefer to be shot by a professional photographer. Most of us have one of these on staff.

From here it is essential to get your photograph out to as many channels as possible. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or even Snapchat – make sure you do not miss a chance to tell the world that you are doing something.

Even if that something is merely cooking a curry, as opposed to running a country.

Once the photo is in circulation and the likes and retweets are a flowing, this doesn’t mean it’s the end of the matter.

The vital last step to making a curry is to constantly remind people of the time that you made a curry.

This is probably the hardest of all the steps, as it’s not like you can just wedge in the fact that you made a curry into a press conference or into a speech and make it sound organic.

I find it’s best to bring it up when you are facing a tricky situation, like the whole of the country getting caught up in a pandemic. Now, it would be easy in this case to ditch the curry talk and just leave it to the experts to give advice.

But that’s not the ScoMo way.

No, the ScoMo way is to tell the country to cook their neighbour a curry if they are housebound. And don’t forget to remind them that you to once cooked a curry.

Just to make sure the message gets through be sure to have your press team to re-share old photos of you in your apron appearing to make a curry.

Well, thank you for reading my recipe for how to make it appear that you once made a curry. Join me next time as I share with you my secret to skipping the lines at your local Maccas.

Stay safe Australia.

Scott ‘ScoMo’ Morrison.

*When in the kitchen in your apron it is imperative that you look like you’ve been here before. So have one of your staffers get there early and maybe cut some stuff up or put something in a pot for you to stir. It gives it an air of authenticity.

**Hopefully this year when my religious discrimination bill passes parliament people will be able to wear what they want on their apron. To do so you just need to list BBQing as your religion at the next census.

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Categories: Opinion

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