Melbourne’s iconic laneways will be widened to a minimum width of 50 metres in an effort to make them covid-19 friendly spaces.
“In time people will come to know Melbourne as a city of broad boulevards full of totally not hidden away bars and coffee shops,” said Premier Daniel Andrews as he announced the new restrictions. “We are grateful for the assistance of the defence force who will be deployed in the CBD to push the buildings apart. Some collateral scrunching up of Myers flagship Bourke Street Mall store will be an unfortunate side effect.”
In other precautions Victorians have been banned from using the words “grouse” and “potato cakes” due to the risk of transmitting the virus in aerosols whilst pronouncing hard vowel sounds.
Officials from the AFL have welcomed rule changes to allow the continuation of the 2020 season.
“Games will now be six a side and played from one end of the Nullarbor Plain to the other,” said Collingwood chair Eddie Maguire. “Sure scores will be a bit lower but it will definitely lead to less players running the length of the field to join in a melee.”
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