Exclusive Extract: George Pell’s Prison Journal

Day 1: A dear friend had taken me aside during my trial and given me a piece of advice should I find myself in prison. They said in jail, early on you need to seek out the biggest person in the yard and take them down or become their, forgive me Father for my language, become their bitch.

Suffice to say, I’m a lover, not a fighter and my cell mate Bruce has the softest hands.

Day 2: Very excited today to be told that I have a Visitor. Sadly, it was only Tony Abbott. Silly sod I asked him to bring in some smokes so that I could start doing business. Instead he brought in a bloody bible and some onions. What on earth would I do with those?

You can’t make a shiv from an onion, Lord knows I have tried.

Day 3: Have been called upon to coach my cell block’s football team. What an honour, I look forward to mucking in with the lads.

Day 4: We may have lost that football match in the exercise yard by a mere point, but I assertively told my disgruntled young players that unlike them, I have the best barristers who can overturn this decision at my behest. Mark my words, the screw who umpired the match will be convicted of dereliction of duty and imprisoned with us by the end of the week.

Day 5: Abbott came back today, thankfully he smuggled in some smokes. Not quite enough to cover the cost of having Bruce ‘taken care of,’ but enough to make a down payment.

Day 6: Had an unfortunate incident in the shower today. Despite dropping my soap a number of times no one would bend down and pick it up. What a sad World we live in when no one would pick up an old man’s soap.

Day 7: Abbott’s back again today. No smokes but he did give me a new toothbrush which will make a lovely shiv. Let’s see who sleeps on top tonight, Bruce.

Day 8: Didn’t sharpen the shiv enough, Bruce thought I was trying to tickle him. Called Abbott to ask for more cigarettes.

Day 9: Abbott came today with nicotine patches. The guards had to drag me off of him.

Day 10: Received a bag full of letters today from my dear supporters. After sifting through all 99 letters I found that most of them were from Abbott and the rest were from Andrew Bolt.

Day 11: Abbott’s back today and he’s brought me a present. Pope on a rope. If those guards were a little slower I would’ve successfully garroted him with the bloody rope from the pope.

Day 12: Meeting with the Warden did not go well. My plan to move more troublesome inmates, like Bruce to other parishes……err Jails, was not well received. Back to the drawing board.

Day 13: Another day another Abbott visit. He brings me a copy of the Australian, handy as the 1 ply toilet paper they have in here is not that great.

George Pell’s prison journal will be available for sale at your local parish gift shop and all good book stores clearance bins in the coming weeks.

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