Australia is facing a bleak future after it was revealed that due to covid lock downs an entire generation of children will be growing up unable to play the triangle, finger paint or know the rules of “heads down thumbs up”.

“Teaching maths, english and science is a piece of piss but I’m clueless when it comes to instructing my kids how to correctly ting a triangle with that little metal thingy,” said distraught Kirrawee mum Madelaine Tartay. “Heaven help anyone wanting to start a symphony orchestra in the year 2040 on the lookout for a gun triangle player.”

“If a child doesn’t learn to fingerpaint in the important 5 to 7 years age bracket there’s nothing we can do to help them catch up later on,” said Professor Xavier Easel, lecturer in early childhood education at Macquarie University. “Home schooling parents do their best but unfortunately it takes a fully trained art teacher to know exactly how much starch to mix with the paints.”

Apple sellers are demanding that schools fully re-open as soon as possible, citing they will be unable to conduct business in the future if children don’t learn how to do story problems.

“If apples cost 9 cents each and Ken buys five apples how will my cashier know how much change to give him from 60 cents,” said apple merchant Corey Gala. “My friend who owns an orange shop had five oranges and gave three of them away and his own son couldn’t tell him how many oranges he had left. Damn this pandemic.”

Peter Green

@Greeny_Peter

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Categories: Science

Tags: auspol, Finger Paint, Gladys Berejiklian, Lockdown, Melbourne, Primary School, recorder, Schools, Scomo, Scott Morrison, Scotty From Marketing, Sydney