The Australian Medical Association says an alarming rise in heart attacks in inner western Sydney is due to increased consumption of halal snack packs by politically aware lunchers wanting to show solidarity with the Muslim community.
“Ever since Pauline Hanson very publicly derided the HSP we’ve seen a massive increase in clogged arteries, raised blood pressure and total cardiac arrest brought about by the sudden introduction of chips, red meat and chilli sauce into the diet of people whose bodies are conditioned to eating macrobiotic vegie burgers and lashings of kale,” reported Annandale GP Katriona Windchime. “I’m urging all my patients who are wishing to embrace the halal culture to go easy on the fats and cholesterol and maybe add a serve of tabouli to the meal so there are some health benefits.”
“I tried my first halal snack pack last Friday to show that I’m standing with the Syrian refugees and ever since I’ve been experiencing chest pains and shortness of breath,” said red faced Glebe web designer Brandon Manbun. “I’ve also experienced symptoms of stress due to the extra greenhouse gases I’ve created by having to drive five suburbs westward to find a kebab shop.”
The desire to eat an halal snack pack has been linked to the disappearance of several inner city residents who are believed to be lost in the Parramatta area.
“Unfortunately once a person leaves the inner west and are deprived of familiar landmarks such as faux 1950s milk bars and shops selling nothing but shaving cream and they can easily become disorientated,” warned sergeant Clifford Oxfam from the Lilyfield police station. “Any resident of the inner west wishing to try an HSP should tell authorities of their plans and maybe engage a qualified guide before driving onto the M4.”
“It serves them right,” said Senator Pauline Hanson when told of the increase in heart disease. “The halal snack pack is a plot by ISIS to turn western society into a bunch of Tubby Tubolards. This wouldn’t happen if people stuck to eating nice foods like fish and chips.”