The Prime Minster has vowed to destroy all of Australia’s coal after learning that it is a major contributor to global warming and climate change.

“From what I can gather coal is horrible stuff and the sooner the world is rid of it all the better,” said Mr Morrison as he shuddered at an old photograph of himself lovingly cradling a lump of coal in parliament. “I’ve therefore ordered that all of our coal should be dug up out of the ground and set alight so that it no longer poses a danger to humanity.”

“We can’t do this alone so China and India have offered to step in and help us burn all of our coal before it does any further damage,” said Angus Taylor, the Minister for Emissions Reduction. “If we can rid the world of coal by 2029 I’m confident we’ll have no problem meeting our 2030 emission reduction target.”

Mr Morrison has also vowed to burn all of Australia’s beef cattle after learning that methane is a major greenhouse gas.

“We’ll definitely be burning all those cows, bit by bit over a backyard barbecue, probably starting with the T-bones,” said the PM as he strapped on a “Kiss the Chef” apron and fired up the Webber. “And I’ve instructed Peter Dutton to ban that Mr Methane bloke who farts tunes out his arse from entering the country.”

Peter Green

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.

Categories: News

Tags: Angus Taylor, auspol, Australia, AustraliaBurns, Bushfires, climate change, coal, environment, Fire, Global Warming, Peter Dutton, Piers Morgan, Scomo, Scott Morrison