Locked Down Sydney Residents Still Unaware Of Existence Of Something Called “Instant Coffee”

Millions of Sydney residents braved lockdown restrictions yesterday to lumber down to their favourite café to pick up a cup of coffee, still blissfully unaware that something called “instant coffee” was invented decades ago.

“I’ve had to mill around in a socially distanced pack with fifteen other locals waiting for my order before carefully nursing the cup all the way back to my flat,” said Coogee coffee drinker Miles Froth. “If only there was some way of doing this from home.”

“I’m risking death to go out and get my caffeine fix but what else can I do?” said Marrickville beverage fancier Elouise Bean as she hovered edgily in the vicinity of her local café like a moth around a tennis court light. “It’s not as if there’s some magical device that heats up the water that you then pour over the top of some fairy dust and ‘hey presto’ a mug of coffee appears. I’m not David Copperfield.”

Dusty jars of International Roast and Nescafe Gold have stood unsold on the shelves of Sydney supermarkets since the covid crisis began whilst rolls of toilet paper have flown out the door.

“Are you trying to tell me I could spoon out a pile of this stuff into my World’s Best Dad mug, add hot water and a splash of milk and I’d have a cup of coffee,” said incredulous Cronulla shopper Jason Flatwhite as he examined a tin of Moccona Classic Medium Roast at his local IGA. “Come off it mate, I didn’t come down in the last shower.”

Peter Green


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