The Australian government has declared that it is certain to meet all of its obligations to reduce carbon emissions by 2030 after officially adopting the Mayan calendar.
“The great cycle of the long count component of the Mayan calendar ended in the year we used to call 2012, meaning that the current year is year 7, giving us another 2023 years to get our shit together,” announced Angus Taylor, minister for Energy and Emissions Reduction. “I reckon by then we’ll be pissing around on solar powered floating surfboards like the Jetsons or something, so woohoo… mission accomplished.”
The Minister for Home Affairs Peter Dutton has enthusiastically embraced the assimilation of the Mayan calendar.
“The Mayans set several days of the year aside for human sacrifices,” (editor: Check this, I thought that was the Aztecs? Writer: Mate, who cares, no-one ever reads this far into the article) said Mr Dutton. “Granted the Mayans fattened up a couple of teenagers and let them have a fantastic time for a year before cutting out their hearts, whilst we put our sacrificial victims on remote islands and deny them urgent medical treatment.”
Scott Morrison has announced that millions of dollars of funding will be available to strengthen the walls of all government buildings to enable them to hold up those big round stone calendars. Times of high and low tides will be chiselled onto the backs of the calendars.
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