Men Panic That If All Sport’s Cancelled They May Have To Start Talking About Their Feelings

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With serious talk of major sporting competitions being cancelled due to COVID-19, panic is spreading amongst the world’s men that they could be left with nothing to talk about except for their emotions.

“Even our semi-abusive banter that passes for basic human interaction is sports-based,” the world’s men told The (un)Australian over a few beers at the local pub. “I mean if I can’t rib Richo about that shit performance a bunch of blokes he’s never met but obsessively follows due to an arbitrary system based largely on the accident of birth, what on Earth are we going to talk about while abusing alcohol to hide from our problems?

“What like… how our marriages are stuck in a rut, we hate our jobs and both struggle to maintain functioning relationships with our teenage children, and are clearly suffering depression and would benefit from a decent heart-to-heart from a close friend with direct experience of these issues?

“Bugger off, mate, what are we gay? Actually I think I might be… you see what I’m talking about? I let my guard down for five seconds and don’t talk about the travesty that was South Africa’s 3-0 sweep in the One Dayers and I start delving into deep-seated issues I should have confronted years ago. Anyway, it’s your shout.”

While at the bar getting in our round for the world’s men, The (un)Australian asked the bar tender to put on a pre-season AFL game on the TV to give us something else to talk about, as the chat was starting to making us feel uncomfortable.

Carlo Sands

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Categories: Science

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