The parliamentary vote on marriage equality is recovering in hospital after being savagely attacked by water fleas in Port Phillip Bay last night.
“The debate about me had been heating up so I took a dip in the bay to cool down and half an hour later I started feeling like I was dying the death of a thousand cuts,” said the heavily bandaged conscience vote. “Fortunately both Tony Abbott and Bill Shorten managed to smell the blood in the water surrounding me and raised the alarm.”
The parliamentary vote was eventually rescued by local lifesaver Tim Wilson and taken to the ER room at the Royal Melbourne Hospital .
“It suddenly occurred to me that my job as a lifesaver was to jump in the water and save lives, rather than ask the public first whether it was my responsibility or not,” said Mr Wilson after giving the vote mouth to mouth on the sand. “Most of us wanted to save the vote but were too modest to take any credit and were hoping to find a way to save it in such a way that anyone examining our role afterwards would be unable to tell if we were part of the rescue or not.”
The Liberal Party cleared up the situation by passing a motion that anyone attacked by water fleas could only be rescued after the public voted on it by stenciling their hands onto the side of a cave wall and collecting the results by way of Cobb and Co coach.