The (un)Australian’s Election Predictions

Sausage

The big day is almost here. The sausages are defrosting, the cakes are being iced and the entire Nation breathes a sigh of relief that they will no longer be receiving unauthorised text messages from a C Palmer of Brisbane.

We rounded up the (un)Australian’s writers and asked them for their thoughts on the campaign and their predictions for the day.

Carlo Sands

Who’ll win (by what margin):

Adani, in a landslide, followed by unprecedented flooding and out of control bush fires.

Who’ll control the Senate:

United Australia Party, for 13 hours before it implodes.

Campaign highlight: Highlight? Have you been paying attention? Highlight?!?

First party to have a senator defect:

United Australia Party. Clive Palmer storms out in disgust after a heated factional dispute over which snacks to order for party room meetings.

Who’ll lead Liberal and Labor in the next election?

The next elections will be postponed indefinitely due to ongoing extreme weather events so catastrophic that agriculture collapses and an outbreak of cannabilism grips the nation. Alan Jones will denounce this as a hoax by means of a cooking display involving rice that doubles as a plug for his follow up cook book with his great mate Mark Latham called “100 ways to cook Cultural Marxists”.

Peter Green

The big winners of this election campaign are:

The nearest cocaine dealer to the advertising agency that landed the Clive Palmer account. 70 million dollars buys a lot of that snow white.

The dude who spent four hard years at NIDA before landing the plum role inside that sweaty Captain Get Up costume.

The crusty old fart that griped about franking credits whilst lounging on the back of his yacht. I hope you were rewarded with a solid gold meerkat statue for your efforts.

The Labor Party scientist who cloned Paul Keating from a mosquito trapped inside fossilised amber from the 1990s.

Comedian Joel Creasey, who received a neat boost to his profile after repeatedly being mistaken for disendorsed Labor candidate Luke Creasey. Unfortunately for other Australian comedians whose careers need a shot in the arm, no candidates named Bill Tayshus or Joe Lilley caused any kind of ruckus.

The drought parched people of the Cayman Islands, now the proud owners of $80 million worth of prime Australian floodwater.

Mark Williamson

Who’ll win (by what margin):

Sky News as they will have a plethora of ex-Politicians and Senate crazies to appear on their channel for the next three years. This new influx of talent may even push their ratings numbers up into double figures.

Who’ll control the Senate:

No one really controls the Senate, you’d have a better chance at trying to herd a bunch of stray cats. In fact a herd of stray cats would probably do a better job in the senate. Vote 1: The herd of stray cats party.

Campaign highlight:

Highlight? It’s kind of like asking Me to talk favourably about my favourite STI’s. At a push I’d have to say it’s the legend of Engadine Macca’s, I hear this will be covered in the next series of Underbelly.

First party to have a senator defect:

Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party and surprisingly it will be Pauline herself.

Who’ll lead Liberal and Labor in the next election?

Liberal, Kevin Andrews who will assume the leadership after a bungled coup attempt by Peter Dutton where he once again relies on his ‘numbers man’ Matthias Cormann.

Labor, Bill ‘King of Knives’ Shorten. Is that a knife in your pants Bill or are you just happy to see me?

GK Kidd 

Who’ll win (by what margin): Fraser Anning by 17 votes.

Who’ll control the Senate: Israel Folau.

Campaign Highlight: Cotton On’s unique PR campaign with Egg Girl

First party to have a senator defect: Clive Palmer to the Nationals

Who’ll lead Liberal and Labor in the next election?

David Koch and Mark Latham respectively

To all our readers enjoy election day, don’t forget to vote and be nice to the people who are handing out ‘How To Vote Cards’ as they are mostly volunteers.

Unless of course they are from the Fraser Anning party in which case approach with caution and if you do make physical contact ie an unintentional hand shake then do wash and disinfect your hands thoroughly afterwards.

Follow us on Facebook (facebook.com/theunoz) or Twitter @TheUnOz

Happy Voting.



Categories: Opinion

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1 reply

  1. And don’t forget your Capitalist Sausage with Socialist line up tenancies 😀

    Like

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