Dutton Condemns Melbourne Traffic After His Aston Candidate Faces A 40 Minute Drive To Get To The Electorate

Opposition leader (for now) Peter Dutton has condemned Victorian Premier Dan Andrews over traffic in Melbourne, after his candidate for the upcoming Aston bi-election spent 40 minutes driving from their home in Fitzroy to the electorate.

”What planet does comrade Dan live on,” bellowed the Dark Lord. ”I mean 40 minutes for our candidate to get from Fitzroy to Aston. It’d be quicker if we parachuted them in.”

”How on earth does this guy keep getting elected, please let me know as if I don’t win Aston then they’ll replace me with Angus.”

When asked why the party chose to parachute somebody in as opposed to choosing someone local, the interim Opposition leader said: ”Good candidates don’t grow on trees you know, heck, if they did do you really think we’d waste our time running Angus?”

”Imagine having a plantation of viable election candidates or at least non-corrupt ones. The whole of Australia would be blue instead.”

”Sorry, I have to be off, all this talk of blueing the country has got me excited, I need to go and strangle a puppy or two to calm down.”

Mark Williamson


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