Following his ascension to leader of the Opposition, the Dark Lord Peter Dutton has released his colleagues loved ones from the holding cells in his lair deep in the bowels of Parliament house.
”I’m a big believer in insurance, whether it be life, car, home and contents or kidnapping your colleagues loved ones to ensure that they don’t do anything silly like challenge you,” said the Dark Lord. ”Now that I have taken my rightful place as leader I have no use for their loved ones.”
”In fact I have no use for love at all.”
When sked what steps he will be taking to soften his image now that he is Opposition leader, the Dark Lord said: ”Little things like trying this thing called smiling that I’ve heard about.”
”Also, I will allow myself to be pictured more with puppies. Admittedly it will be puppies that I intend to strangle, but they’re still puppies none the less.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and see my predecessor Scott and make sure he tows the line. Don’t suppose you know anyone who can make an iron mask?”
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz
The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here: