As Australians we love our democracy and how it means we have a pool of twenty five million from whom to choose our best and brightest to be our leader. Sadly, the reality is we have more options when it comes to picking an ice cream flavour than picking a PM (basically two, vanilla and vanilla with shards of glass in it). To save you the trouble of lying to that ABC vote compass thing so you have something to share with your friends that portrays you as more saintly then the offspring of Martin Luther King and Mother Theresa (and that must have been quite a party if you do happen to be the offspring of Martin Luther King and Mother Theresa), here’s the Unoz’s easy guide to who to vote for.
Liberal National Party Coalition
I (@greeny_peter) used to write for the Funniest Home Video Show and due to our unfeasibly healthy ratings we used to joke that watching the Funniest Home Video Show was like wanking and voting Liberal: more people did it than ever owned up to it. The name is a bit misleading, being the conservatives and all, which means they have to employ someone to go through all the guff they import from America with a fine toothed comb and cross out all the references to “liberals” being aligned with baby eating Satanists. Never crosses their mind to consider a name change, which the Nationals wisely did when they realised being called The Country Party was leaving them open to some unkind heckling. Election time gives them a chance to prove they can enter the grounds of a public school without bursting into flames.
Who They Think Votes For Them:
Wise old father figures who make sure you don’t leave any lights on in rooms which you aren’t using, and who won’t take any shit from China.
Who Really Votes For Them:
People starting a small business who touchingly believe theirs won’t be one of the four out of five businesses that fail in the first two years, leaving them having to cope with the crap wages and stripped back social security system they so enthusiastically voted for.
The same small business people who wonder why they are having trouble competing with much bigger businesses that are better placed to exploit those same crap wages.
People who think that rich guys are the best people to put in charge of the economy, in the same logic that suggests Jabba The Hutt is the best person to put in charge of a cake shop.
Who Should Vote For Them:
Anyone drooling over the weekend auction figures and sweating on mum and dad to shuffle off the coil so they can inherit the house. Daughters of rough and ready outback pilots who bingled their plane into humungous deposits of red coloured dirt in the middle of the last century.
AUSTRALIAN LABOR PARTY
The other one. Used to be the party for slightly menacing sweaty blokes in overalls with dirt smeared faces. Unfortunately for the ALP, tradies these days are all subcontractors who think they are Jeff Bezos and identify with the slick haired spivs from the Liberal Party. Still suspected to have the people’s best interests at heart, not because their members are any less likely to be self serving sociopaths who’ll say and do anything to get your vote, but because if you’re a self serving sociopath who’ll say and do anything to get our vote why the hell would you choose the Labor Party?
Who They Think Votes For Them
Salt of the earth types in ill fitting parkas waiting outside factories in the middle of industrial disputes. Whoever the focus group decides is willing to vote for them this week.
Who Really Votes For Them
The last seven or eight people who belong to a trade union. Boomers with ponytails who can still hum Gough’s “It’s Time” theme song.
Who Should Vote For Them
Labor’s job is to push the government spending lever up like your mum pushing the thermostat up when your dad isn’t looking; so teachers, health workers, public servants, social security recipients and anyone else with their lips puckered up and searching for the public teat to latch onto.
TEAL INDEPENDENTS
Nice, well informed, socially conscious folk who just want the Liberal Party to do what it says it does on the box but would never never never never in a million years dream of voting Labor, because they believe in truth, justice, a cleaner environment and a fairer society as long as it doesn’t actually cost them anything personally.
Who They Think Votes For Them
Anyone who willingly listens to the ABC for the chat, not just because it’s the only radio station that has updates on what the bushfire is doing.
Who really Votes For Them
Your mate’s daughter who skipped school to go to those climate change rallies. Anyone unaware that there hasn’t been an actual socialist in the ALP since about 1931.
Who Should Vote For Them
Anyone who thinks their current Liberal member is a grade A knob-end but is also totally oblivious to the existence of something called The Australian Labor Party.
Anyone who really wants that particular multi-million dollar duck pond or tunnel-ball stadium or whatever built in their electorate and is pinning their faith on the result being a hung parliament.
THE GREENS
The Greens regularly grab about 10% of the vote, 9.95% of that coming from Labor people who want to protest at how awful the ALP is but are still canny enough to know how preferential voting works; the Australian democracy equivalent of walking out of the footy ground ten minutes before full time to show your team how pissed off you are at how badly they’re losing.
Who they think votes for them
Nerdy types who actually bother reading the pamphlet from the local council that tells you which coloured bin is the right one to put the black plastic tray from the vegan sausages in.
Who really votes for them
Doe eyed nineteen year old first time voters and wistful forty one year olds who still haven’t gotten Captain Planet and the Planeteers out of their system.
Who Should Vote For Them
Anyone for whom “Don’t Look Up” was a terrifying documentary and not just a mildly worthy comedy that could have had a good hour edited out of it.
ONENATION/UNITED AUSTRALIA PARTY
Ironically, there is a conspiracy where an authoritarian government wants to fool you into giving away your rights as a citizen. Just not the one that these eggflips think they’re saving us from.
Who They Think Votes For Them
Smart people. Obviously not the smart measured by IQ tests. The kind of smart that forces people who’ve been politely chatting to you at barbecues to slowly back away from because you’ve blown them away with your superior logic.
Who really votes for them
That guy in your cricket team who bats at number eleven, bowls one over a year of wides and pulls you aside at the drinks break to tell you that your footwork is all wrong when you’re batting.
Who Should vote For them
Loudmouthed schmucks yelling “wake up sheeple” still decades away from getting the first inkling that they’ve been played like a balalaika by some shell suited computer nerd in an industrial park in Novosibirsk.
THE UNGROUPED LAST ROW OF THE SENATE PAPER
Do you really want to throw your vote away but don’t have the artistic chops to draw a satisfactory cock and balls on your ballet paper. I’d highly recommend researching this poorly lit railway underpass of Australian democracy. On the plus side, as opposed to the local LNP or ALP candidate, there is an outside chance you might have met one of these people down the shops outside of election time.
Who They Think Votes For Them
A massive groundswell of millions who have googled their website and been thoroughly impressed with their scheme to build a giant catapult at Casey Base in the Antarctic and launch ice blocks into a net in Alice Springs to solve droughts once and for all.
Who really Votes For Them
It’s hard to say. I mean some people willingly bought those lamington flavoured potato chips a few years back so I guess there’s a market for everything.
Who Should Vote For Them
Anyone who lives in the same household as one of the candidates otherwise things will get kind of frosty on election night if there’s five voters in the family but only four votes up there on Anthony Green’s little scorecard.
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